


Codependency and Sociopaths are a Dangerous Mix

by gummyprincess



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Codependency, Dan Howell - Freeform, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, High School, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Phil Lester - Freeform, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 10:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4622319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gummyprincess/pseuds/gummyprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He quickly became the most important thing in your life. If it wasn't involving him, it wasn't important.<br/>Period.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Codependency and Sociopaths are a Dangerous Mix

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, this is my first fic.  
> The 'phan relationship' in this is happy by no means-- it's manipulative and centered on the victim's pov.  
> However, it can be viewed as having a happy ending-- it just isn't within the relationship.  
> No names are mentioned, so how you interpret it is up to you. 
> 
> Trigger Warnings for:  
> Abusive relationships (physically and emotionally/mentally), emotional manipulation, gaslighting, mentions of suicidal ideation, depression, mentions of self-harm, extreme codependency, stalking, and self-hate.
> 
> Please let me know if I missed anything! Read with caution.

When you first met, you didn't find him attractive. He was sweet and kind, but to be honest, he wasn't aesthetically pleasing to your eye. Not that you ever told anyone that. Thinking about it made you feel vain and guilty. It's not like you were any better than him, looks-wise.

Probably not personality-wise, either.

-

You don't remember how you became friends. You do remember the spike of jealousy you felt whenever you saw him. The transition from middle school to high school left you with about two friends. And he, he had a lot of friends. So, why was he so chummy with yours? Didn't he have enough?

You felt threatened that he would take your friend away.

If only you knew, he would do more than that.

-

You found out he was actually a very kind, generous person. Glad to be proven wrong, you two became fast friends.

-

He quickly became the most important thing in your life. If it wasn't involving him, it wasn't important.

-

You were sick, physically. Mentally, you were a train derailing itself. On a fast track to the bottom with no one to stop you. It seemed like he tried to help. He threatened to hurt himself if you did the same, he punched walls when he saw the slow-healing lines on your arms and legs.

You wanted to please him, to do anything to make it better. Doing his homework seemed to help.

It was okay, he was being so supportive and helping you through this rough time. He didn't want you hurting yourself, he really cared. It was the least you could do, right?

-

You never really thought about boys like that before. Well, maybe you did. Not that you ever told anyone that. Thinking about it made you feel wrong and guilty. It's not like you liked boys.

He probably didn't, either.

-

You don't remember when you started to look at him like he was the most beautiful thing in the world. His eyes were so gorgeous, had his eyelashes always been that long? Everything about him made your heart flutter. Even the negative things.

You don't remember when you fell in love with him. But you do remember the spike of jealousy you felt whenever you saw someone near him. You were supposed to be the one closest to him, didn't they know? They had a lot of friends, you didn't. Didn't they have enough?

You felt threatened that he would replace you.

If only you knew, he didn't plan on letting you go.

-

He quickly became your life. Your life wasn't yours, it was his. You were his, you lived for him. If it wasn't involving him, it wasn't important.

-

You were rewarded in talk of kisses and dating, in being pushed into walls and touches. Nothing too far. Always followed by back-tracking, "I'm straight", "I don't like boys". All of it was uncomfortable in a way, confusing, but it made you think he liked you. He must, why else would he act like that? That was all you wanted. He could do what he wanted to you if it made him happy. When he was happy, you were happy.

-

You were sick, mentally. You had started seeing a therapist last year, after you told your mom about the physical evidence of your emotional pain. You spoke about him a lot, but your therapist wanted to talk about school.

Didn't she understand school wasn't important?

Only he was.

-

You failed most of your classes.

You didn't care, he passed.

-

He wasn't the sweet boy you knew anymore.

He hit you, belittled you. When you couldn't raise his grades, he called you worthless.

You pleaded him to stay.

After you had apologized and agreed with his words, he did.

Sometimes you wondered, though -- at what cost?

-

Eventually, people helped you see reality through your rose-coloured glasses -- he was toxic.

But when you told him that he was hurting you, in the nicest way you could (because you still didn't want to lose him, he was everything), he had a list prepared. A list of every single thing you had ever done wrong, and the year before had given him a lot of arsenal. (You had tried to help him, but you kept fucking it up. Everything you did, you fucked up.) You didn't even remember half of the things he said, or he told the story in a different way than you remembered. But it didn't matter. He said it, so it must be true, right? He knew better than you, you were worthless. He said so.

-

He had you doing other people's work, too.

Then he had you trying to sabotage them.

You didn't even want to get out of bed, much less hurt someone else.

But you did, because he told you to. They deserved it because they were mean to him.

He knew best. He deserved to be protected. Even at the cost of your own safety.

-

You didn't expect to make it this far. You had been so caught up in him that you didn't notice the world moving forward. How were you already 18? When did this happen? It was too much, it was terrifying. And you were always fucking things up for him. What were you going to do with your life? You didn't have any plans, and what if he left? Maybe that would be for the best. He'd be better off without you.

Besides, nothing matters in the end, right? Death was inevitable.

-

Your therapist sent you to the hospital when you told her you were done with life, that you were planning on ending your life the next day. You cried all day; now your parents knew how fucked up you were. You couldn't see him, you let him down. How could you help him now? You just added more stress. Just like always, you regretted your stupid decisions. This is why you needed him. You couldn't be trusted with yourself.

-

He called you. He called you! You were so excited and surprised, walking past the ringing phones, only to find out he had phoned for you. You cried. He told you he loved you. You cried harder.

-

Phone calls were daily, always accompanied with sweet words of encouragement. You were so excited.

You couldn't wait to get out.

-

The world outside was still shit.

His sweet words turned sour, accompanied with some of the most degrading things you'd ever been called in your life.

But he was nice when you were in the hospital, so he still cared, right? And he was just stressed, it _was_ senior year after all.

It was okay.

But you still didn't want to get out of bed.

-

You found a way to help him graduate.

But he got his diploma, you didn't.

It was okay.

But you were too ashamed of yourself to get out of bed.

-

Your therapist wanted to send you to the hospital again. You refused to go, said it was too expensive. So she told you to go to an intensive outpatient group.

You told him about it; he said maybe going to the hospital would be a better idea.

After all, "you were so happy in there".

-

You went to the group, and they were warm and inviting. So you told the group about him. They smashed your rose-coloured glasses in an instant.

It took a room full of people feverishly telling you that he was manipulating you, that he was disgustingly toxic, that he was gonna be the end of you. He was a sociopath.

You had been told that all along. You knew it all along.

But the truth hurts.

-

"Listen, I think we should stop talking for awhile. I need to focus on getting my diploma and getting myself better, and you're busy and you'll most likely become more so throughout the summer. Things feel tense between us anyway, and I think some distance might do us good. I haven't planned out anything for my future or focused on the things I need to do for myself; I haven't really thought of myself as my own person for quite awhile, even. I need to be by myself so I can take some time and figure out my future, become healthier, and allow myself to view myself in a positive light. I hope you understand. Good luck, I hope things go well for you."

"Sure."

-

Facebook: blocked.

Twitter: blocked.

Passwords: changed.

Anger and relief flooded your body. Anger, because how dare he say 'sure'? As though he was _allowing_ you to end the friendship? Like you couldn't even control when it ended? This was supposed to be you asserting yourself, but he still found a way to get the last word.

Relief, however, because it was done. Finally.

-

He emailed you a week later, asking what was wrong, and that he found a way to view your tweets. A choice few were used as examples of your 'instability' in his email. He told you that whatever you thought you did to upset him wasn't your fault. If you had a problem, then you needed to say it to his face. He's been having problems with his family, things have been hard lately.

You told him you still needed time, and to stop stalking your twitter account.

-

He never replied.

-

You went to the group as often as possible, and they supported your decisions. They were so proud.

-

You graduated on your own. You fucking did it.

The group and your family were so proud of you.

You were, too.

-

He emailed you again, asked how you were, congratulated you on graduating.

The only place you mentioned graduating online was on twitter, and you had no connections to him anymore.

It pissed you off, knowing he was still keeping tabs on you.

The group convinced you to delete his email when you told them about it. So you deleted his email without replying.

A few people asked if you were going to make a new twitter account or make it private so he couldn't keep track of you.

No. You weren't going to change anything.

He didn't have control over your decisions, he wasn't going to influence you anymore.

What he did was no concern of yours.

"He can keep watching me if he wants; I'll make sure he can't contact me. All he's gonna see is me loving myself, he can watch me get better and finally be happy. Without him."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Any and all feedback is welcome.  
> This was based on the last four years of my life, although my experience was with a female. The last part actually occurred last week, and I needed some way to express my frustration with her. Also, the message to the abuser and the reply to such was the real exchange I had with this girl, simply copy and pasted. The events were real as well.   
> I hope this is alright-- I do plan on writing actual fanfiction of Dan & Phil, but in a great contrast to this. Sorry to my children for projecting onto them. I don't mean to represent them as this in any way! This is pure fiction regarding them, nonfiction regarding me.  
> I hope to write some fluffy fanfiction about them soon to make up for this fic. Besides, happy phan is my favourite kind of phan!
> 
> NOTE: If you're in a relationship that resembles the one depicted in the story, please seek advice or help. Even if there is no physical abuse, it is very unhealthy and is still abuse. Please take care of yourselves! You are your own person, put yourself first!


End file.
